Confidence and the new girl woman order

I've been thinking a lot lately about confidence and it's role in my life. In some ways, I've gained confidence as I've grown older and in some ways, I have lost it. Take appearance as an example. As a teen and very young adult, I was ashamed of my appearance. Now, I am not.

But if you switch to intelligence/abilities as a topic for confidence, then you can pretty much forget it. It all flies right out the window. Why is that? When I was 17 years old and accepted to college, I had no doubts I'd get into the school I wanted to get into. Now that I'm 26 and applying to grad school, I have mega doubts about whether or not I'll get in, even though I know my essay and resume are good. What gives?

As far as abilities go, there are doubts there as well. I've been becoming increasingly fit over the past year or so and I can ride at least 16 miles on my bike (I'm testing these limits on the paths in RI quite a bit, so I may be able to go further, but 16 miles is the most I've done on any one trip so far). When I ride on bike paths, I have no doubt in my ability to ride long and far. But when I ride on roads, I'm always afraid to go anywhere further than 3 or four miles out. I guess I figure that I may run into hills that are too hard or get tired. But that's not happened so far and judging by my performance on the bike paths, it shouldn't be a problem. So why the lack of confidence?

I have several theories on why this is. First of all, I live in my body every day, and lately, since I've lost so much weight and become fit, I am amazed by and proud of all the things it can do. Am I svelte? Could I be considered skinny in any way, shape, or form? Nope. Not even close. But am I fitter and happier? Do I feel better? yes and yes. So it's really no wonder that I feel more confident in my body and appearance every day.

Why don't I feel faith in my abilities? As far as atheletics, I've never been much of an athlete, so it feels weird to be able to do all the things I've always wanted to do. My newfound abilities are just that. New. And so I'm still testing the limits. I'm proud and amazed to say that though I thought I would have come crashing right up against my personal brick wall, I haven't. And this is stuff that just a year ago would have left me squashed up against that wall and sliding down it into a pile of goo.

My intellectual abilities are another thing altogether. These are things I've had for a while now -- and used to have confidence in -- but now I don't. Again, a few theories of why exist:

Being a a soul sucking job where I can't do a damn thing right for five years probably hasn't helped. But in order for this job to shake my self confidence in the way that it has, something had to originate with me. I could go into any number of theories, but let's just say the real world has had it's way with me in more ways than one. It's something I'm working on -- and making progress regularly.

In talking with some friends about this aspect of my life, I find that a lot of them feel the same. This is a relief. I feel somewhat normal, imagine that! I guess it's good to know you aren't alone.

I'm off to do a little shopping and maybe bake a bit later. This house seriously needs cleaning too, so maybe a little of that. And a little knitting.... And a little bit of other stuff too. :-)